My Life In Photos - Part I
This
is me about the age of 2. My Mum and Dad have always been the
sort of people that like their children to earn their keep. So
when I was a baby I applied to be a model that teddy bears were
designed on
I was the obvious candidate for the job: I was the right size,
I could just be left in the same place for hours, and as long
as I was propped up looking out of a window I wouldn't cry. The
only problem was my arms
Everything else worked, but my arms just didn't look right. I
just didn't have the energy to hold them out for long periods
of time. So after these 2 models, I decided to pass the job on
to a stronger baby
My
brother then came along, and within about 3 years, he also was
made to earn his keep. My mum had this strange idea that the outdoor
life was a good occupation- so she sent us down the mines. As
my dad was lazing in the chair at the time, he was turfed out
as well. They needed someone responsible to oversee their work,
so I was drafted in as the foreman. What with my 'rock-ard' facial
expressions, and my bulging muscles, I was the ideal choice for
the job
I was given this big long screw thing, that was supposed to poke
the other two if they slackened. My brother was given a small
spanner, and a lantern. My dad had the spade, and as he likes
digging, his job was to dig the tunnels into the granite hills
As you can see though, my dad's hat was far too small for his
head, and he always had a problem with being bossed about by his
'far too big for his dirty Hi-Tec trainers' son. At least my socks
matched my uniform. So in the end we came out of the mines, and
gave up that idea.
Then
my brother was 4, and he had to go to school. This photo was taken
on his very first day. As you can see, he looks quite cute here.
Now for at least 10 years now I have been trying to work out what
happened?? Somehow he changed. For the worst unfortunately. The
story behind that expression is as follows:
To celebrate Jonathan getting into Monkfrith junior school, we
decided to go out for a curry to celebrate. As I was still a young
cretin, I could only manage a sweet 'n' sour, but my brother wanted
to show himself to be a 'big boy', and went straight for a Vindaloo.
He managed it really well, and also devoured 5 popadoms, and 2
naan breads
The trouble came the next morning. Need I say any more. The Reinin
obviously wasn't as powerful back then. Now at this point I should
tell you about the way my mum takes photos. You stand there, and
any normal photographer would say "say cheese" then take the photo.
But my mum says "say cheese"............then nothing. She is still
composing the shot. You say "hurry up my legs are starting to
stiffen", and she says "hold it, wait a second.......right I am
ready now".................still nothing!! Honestly, Mr. Slow
could take a quicker photo! You could pose for the photo, then
go away, come back in 1/2 hour, and my mum would be just about
to squeeze the shutter
So back to my poor brother. All this waiting around, and that
curry is beginning to have an effect. Just a split second after
the photo was actually taken- it happened. I am not sure who was
more worried about his first day: Lamb or my brother
This
is one of the most rare photos in the whole of our family's photo
album. This shot shows exactly the sort of problem J was facing
in the last shot, but for some reason my mum took the photo quickly
Now my mum thought it would be nice to take a photo of me and
my brother on a holiday in France. So me and my brother settled
down to the usual 10 minutes wait. But after about 2 minutes -
"CLICK" and the photo was taken!!
We quickly rushed mum to hospital in case it was life threatening,
but they couldn't find anything wrong with her. After being referred
to a specialist in the C.S.P.T.P.A.Q. (the Centre for the Study
of People Taking Photos Abnormally Quickly), they eventually wrote
a report, and the findings were classed as a very rare condition
for women. The conclusion of this accident was: "Freak flatulence
jolting the body, thus causing accidental pressing of the release
mechanism". They said that we were safe, and that it probably
wouldn't happen again
Notice the brick in my hand that I would have thrown at her if
we had waited too long.
My doctor has assured me that
being dropped repeatedly on my head as a child is
perfectly normal, and in no way has contributed to my current
confused mental state.
